the kill

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
i know now this is who i really am inside
FINALLY FOUND MYSELF
FIGHTING FOR A CHANCE
I know now, this is who I really am

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

What if I wanted to break...?
What if I, what if I, what if I...

healing nicole

last friday, i went to heckle & jeckle w/ my fellow swing shifters after work. freddy aguilar was just across our table so we braved ourselves for a photo.

w/ khaye & freddy aguilar

today, the family brought nicole for a healing/reflection session at the st. bridgette's church near katipunan. there was a mass before 8pm then a healing/blessing at 9pm onwards. nicole may have recovered but she's not able to walk by herself yet & her left arm is very very weak & her left hand couldn't do much. this situation has impaled her from going to school or doing anything on her own. my sister quit her job to give her daughter the much-needed attention. she's still taking meds for her heart round the clock. everybody's still praying hard to help her get through this.

oh, before we went to church, mom took us to the new jollibee store at don antonio after we picked up nicole from her lolo's house. i took this photo of my daughter while munching on a french fry. she's hilarous, and cute too!

my holy week

march 27

bought a new JVC 21" flat television for myself & rayne's ofcourse. it cost me more than my budget because i let myself get swayed by the sweet-talks of the JVC sales rep. it's got cinema surround sound, a detachable booster box & an ECO sensor {auto-adjust brightness dependent on the surrounding's lighting}. way too cool for a tiny room though. got it at 0% interest installment, payment via credit card.

april 2, holy monday

our office moved towers at the same building. we are now located at the 27th floor, 7 floors lower. it is HUGE. the new noc room's 4x bigger than the old one. we have our own pantry complete w/ microwave & toaster ovens, a refrigerator & a sink. a 29" flat screen tv was setup at the corner. the office has 9 wide flat screen tv's at the north wall for our network monitors & ofcourse, cnn, & another flat screen at the conference room. finally, a breathable office for our chaotic life as service desk analysts {amongst others}.

april 5, holy thursday to good friday

workmate lea's parents were out of town during the holy week so we decided to crash her place that night. khaye, april & myself headed to paranaque after our midnight shifts. the booze & chow were free so we didn't bother buying anything along the way. when we got to lea's, she had already started on fundador w/ her younger brother at their porch. we settled ourselves first, ate light dinner, chose which alcohol to drink & joined lea & her brother at the porch. khaye & myself had white wine, april had her mix of sprite & vodka. we babbled about work, sex life, drugs, alcohol, long distance relationships, failed relationships, virginity, gay relationships & what-have-you. it was so fun that everyone was able to 'ya know, speak so candidly about each others' lives & it built a relieving bond between us four girls who just happened to be colleagues at work. we gave up drinking when the sun rose & rested & chatted & gossiped some more at lea's room. we headed home at 10 in the morning. fun fun fun! {pictures to follow}

april 8, easter sunday

woke up late in the afternoon. rayne's pool was laid out at the garage already filled w/ water. i missed her first indoor pool experience. i remember mom waking up but i truly couldn't open my eyes. i was too darn lazy to wake up. so as soon as i got out of bed, i gave rayne my attention & dressed her up for another swim. nicole joined my darling daughter & it's noticeable that rayne's absolutely enjoying the water!

my mom, ate anna & nicole planned to watch a movie & they asked me to drive them to the ever gotesco. earlier, i had plans to take the whole family out to an all-you-can-eat restaurant but my dad was reluctant due to the price it could cost me so he stayed home. my brother was jamming w/ his band at home so he wasn't available either. so i just asked mom, sis, nicole, my 2 cousins, my daughter & her yaya, to go to dinner before the movies. we ate at max's restaurant. i was supposed to go home w/ my daughter since the rest were already going to the movies but her yaya seemed frantic to watch as well! it was impossible to drive home w/ no one else to hold my daughter during the ride so we joined them instead. so there goes my daughter's first movie! ai ai's comedy flick 'ang cute ng ina mo' was the title. the kids loved it.

indoor swimming

hot spring

march 31

the whole family went on an outing to the laguna hot springs. why hot spring on a summer? it was for my niece nicole. apparently, mineral hot spring plus the stones {i forgot what kind} at the pool flooring are therapeutic. we rode our dad's office coaster {the last we've used it was when we went to baguio 6-7 years ago}. both family sides came along including family friends, & my brother & cousin's girlfriends. we rented 3 rooms for our overnight stay. it was so fun especially when my daughter went hysterical because she wanted to dip in the pool again early in the evening {we started the pool after lunch}. oh she loves the water! i couldn't be more proud of her. i often see kids {like myself when i was really young} who couldn't stop crying to their parents to get them out of the pool out of fear from drowning.

here are some pics.

2nd day out in the pool on another pool; card games & beer

w/ our patient nicole; w/ ninong mike

everyone's literally at the pool except me who's taking the picture; my dad monitoring us

my brother ian w/ my daughter; nicole w/ dad

and ofcourse, my lovely daughter enjoying the warm water

we went home before nightfall.

wasting time

the silence is comforting....for the first time....

lately i've been barely trying to enjoy life. i couldn't let myself drown in what fate my long standing relationship fell into {again & again}. i've learned to live my life & not miss what's in store ahead of me.

must be because i got immune w/ separation. the relationship became susceptible to it over & over. i hoped too hard.

i did not imagine finding love would be intoxicating, that it literally is sipping the life out of me. i've wallowed on having a perfect relationship & a complete family. now i am understanding that i can't have it all, nor my daughter.

i've got my daughter & that is all that matters now. i've got a few friends who are single moms & are able to go through w/ life w/o the fathers of their children. my aunt in the US even told me last year to not force marriage only because you've born a child from your relationship & i didn't even tell her anything about what i have succumbed into. the obvious thing was, i've been made aware all along by my ex-partner that he couldn't marry me yet i stuck w/ him believing i can change his judgment.

this will suck for years, but it definitely will not for a lifetime. i have my friends who constantly support me on my decisions. my family who's gradually comprehending the fact that one of their daughters' not living the life they've hoped for their children when they grow old {'ya know, marry & have kids}. my 2 siblings have kids but they haven't eloped either.

i couldn't live another day in that relationship gripping w/ pain every minute. at work, almost all the men married their partners at church. i shy away w/ jealousy whenever i hear their stories about how they treat their wives & kids. & those stories are just typical husband & wife bits. like aris' idea on teaching her wife to drive; allan who went back to the country ending his contract earlier from work abroad to be w/ his wife & daughter; mark who's voice was consistently 'malambing' over the phone w/ her wife; shaun who pursued a job in singapore but bargained to bring her wife & baby daughter w/ him {w/c he did}; a friend who recently got married; another who just tested positive w/ her pregnancy test & immediately was given a promise of marriage by her partner; another who couldn't stop blubbering about her perfect boyfriend...etc..etc..

i don't need perfection. i just need to be part of something i can look forward to by the end of the day. yes i do have my daughter, but that's why i've lingered too long on hoping. i wanted to give her a normal life, & i failed a thousand of times.

a friend tried to comfort me one day & only 2 words helped me begin to fathom my fate, he said, 'people change'. i am a person, & i can change too.

it has been quiet between us for almost 3 weeks now since the separation & i do find it easier to swallow. but sometimes i sense that the silence is too loud that he already forgot that we have a daughter. yet i find the silence comforting, for the first time...

a girlfriend sent me this sms & these are just one of the things that motivate me on moving on every single day:

until one morning, i'll wake up & find myself thinking about something else & then i'll know the worst is over. my heart may be bruised but it will recover & become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. it happened before & it will happen again i'm sure. when someone leaves, it's because someone is about to arrive - then i'll find love again.