the kill

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
i know now this is who i really am inside
FINALLY FOUND MYSELF
FIGHTING FOR A CHANCE
I know now, this is who I really am

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

What if I wanted to break...?
What if I, what if I, what if I...

healing nicole

last friday, i went to heckle & jeckle w/ my fellow swing shifters after work. freddy aguilar was just across our table so we braved ourselves for a photo.

w/ khaye & freddy aguilar

today, the family brought nicole for a healing/reflection session at the st. bridgette's church near katipunan. there was a mass before 8pm then a healing/blessing at 9pm onwards. nicole may have recovered but she's not able to walk by herself yet & her left arm is very very weak & her left hand couldn't do much. this situation has impaled her from going to school or doing anything on her own. my sister quit her job to give her daughter the much-needed attention. she's still taking meds for her heart round the clock. everybody's still praying hard to help her get through this.

oh, before we went to church, mom took us to the new jollibee store at don antonio after we picked up nicole from her lolo's house. i took this photo of my daughter while munching on a french fry. she's hilarous, and cute too!

my holy week

march 27

bought a new JVC 21" flat television for myself & rayne's ofcourse. it cost me more than my budget because i let myself get swayed by the sweet-talks of the JVC sales rep. it's got cinema surround sound, a detachable booster box & an ECO sensor {auto-adjust brightness dependent on the surrounding's lighting}. way too cool for a tiny room though. got it at 0% interest installment, payment via credit card.

april 2, holy monday

our office moved towers at the same building. we are now located at the 27th floor, 7 floors lower. it is HUGE. the new noc room's 4x bigger than the old one. we have our own pantry complete w/ microwave & toaster ovens, a refrigerator & a sink. a 29" flat screen tv was setup at the corner. the office has 9 wide flat screen tv's at the north wall for our network monitors & ofcourse, cnn, & another flat screen at the conference room. finally, a breathable office for our chaotic life as service desk analysts {amongst others}.

april 5, holy thursday to good friday

workmate lea's parents were out of town during the holy week so we decided to crash her place that night. khaye, april & myself headed to paranaque after our midnight shifts. the booze & chow were free so we didn't bother buying anything along the way. when we got to lea's, she had already started on fundador w/ her younger brother at their porch. we settled ourselves first, ate light dinner, chose which alcohol to drink & joined lea & her brother at the porch. khaye & myself had white wine, april had her mix of sprite & vodka. we babbled about work, sex life, drugs, alcohol, long distance relationships, failed relationships, virginity, gay relationships & what-have-you. it was so fun that everyone was able to 'ya know, speak so candidly about each others' lives & it built a relieving bond between us four girls who just happened to be colleagues at work. we gave up drinking when the sun rose & rested & chatted & gossiped some more at lea's room. we headed home at 10 in the morning. fun fun fun! {pictures to follow}

april 8, easter sunday

woke up late in the afternoon. rayne's pool was laid out at the garage already filled w/ water. i missed her first indoor pool experience. i remember mom waking up but i truly couldn't open my eyes. i was too darn lazy to wake up. so as soon as i got out of bed, i gave rayne my attention & dressed her up for another swim. nicole joined my darling daughter & it's noticeable that rayne's absolutely enjoying the water!

my mom, ate anna & nicole planned to watch a movie & they asked me to drive them to the ever gotesco. earlier, i had plans to take the whole family out to an all-you-can-eat restaurant but my dad was reluctant due to the price it could cost me so he stayed home. my brother was jamming w/ his band at home so he wasn't available either. so i just asked mom, sis, nicole, my 2 cousins, my daughter & her yaya, to go to dinner before the movies. we ate at max's restaurant. i was supposed to go home w/ my daughter since the rest were already going to the movies but her yaya seemed frantic to watch as well! it was impossible to drive home w/ no one else to hold my daughter during the ride so we joined them instead. so there goes my daughter's first movie! ai ai's comedy flick 'ang cute ng ina mo' was the title. the kids loved it.

indoor swimming

hot spring

march 31

the whole family went on an outing to the laguna hot springs. why hot spring on a summer? it was for my niece nicole. apparently, mineral hot spring plus the stones {i forgot what kind} at the pool flooring are therapeutic. we rode our dad's office coaster {the last we've used it was when we went to baguio 6-7 years ago}. both family sides came along including family friends, & my brother & cousin's girlfriends. we rented 3 rooms for our overnight stay. it was so fun especially when my daughter went hysterical because she wanted to dip in the pool again early in the evening {we started the pool after lunch}. oh she loves the water! i couldn't be more proud of her. i often see kids {like myself when i was really young} who couldn't stop crying to their parents to get them out of the pool out of fear from drowning.

here are some pics.

2nd day out in the pool on another pool; card games & beer

w/ our patient nicole; w/ ninong mike

everyone's literally at the pool except me who's taking the picture; my dad monitoring us

my brother ian w/ my daughter; nicole w/ dad

and ofcourse, my lovely daughter enjoying the warm water

we went home before nightfall.

wasting time

the silence is comforting....for the first time....

lately i've been barely trying to enjoy life. i couldn't let myself drown in what fate my long standing relationship fell into {again & again}. i've learned to live my life & not miss what's in store ahead of me.

must be because i got immune w/ separation. the relationship became susceptible to it over & over. i hoped too hard.

i did not imagine finding love would be intoxicating, that it literally is sipping the life out of me. i've wallowed on having a perfect relationship & a complete family. now i am understanding that i can't have it all, nor my daughter.

i've got my daughter & that is all that matters now. i've got a few friends who are single moms & are able to go through w/ life w/o the fathers of their children. my aunt in the US even told me last year to not force marriage only because you've born a child from your relationship & i didn't even tell her anything about what i have succumbed into. the obvious thing was, i've been made aware all along by my ex-partner that he couldn't marry me yet i stuck w/ him believing i can change his judgment.

this will suck for years, but it definitely will not for a lifetime. i have my friends who constantly support me on my decisions. my family who's gradually comprehending the fact that one of their daughters' not living the life they've hoped for their children when they grow old {'ya know, marry & have kids}. my 2 siblings have kids but they haven't eloped either.

i couldn't live another day in that relationship gripping w/ pain every minute. at work, almost all the men married their partners at church. i shy away w/ jealousy whenever i hear their stories about how they treat their wives & kids. & those stories are just typical husband & wife bits. like aris' idea on teaching her wife to drive; allan who went back to the country ending his contract earlier from work abroad to be w/ his wife & daughter; mark who's voice was consistently 'malambing' over the phone w/ her wife; shaun who pursued a job in singapore but bargained to bring her wife & baby daughter w/ him {w/c he did}; a friend who recently got married; another who just tested positive w/ her pregnancy test & immediately was given a promise of marriage by her partner; another who couldn't stop blubbering about her perfect boyfriend...etc..etc..

i don't need perfection. i just need to be part of something i can look forward to by the end of the day. yes i do have my daughter, but that's why i've lingered too long on hoping. i wanted to give her a normal life, & i failed a thousand of times.

a friend tried to comfort me one day & only 2 words helped me begin to fathom my fate, he said, 'people change'. i am a person, & i can change too.

it has been quiet between us for almost 3 weeks now since the separation & i do find it easier to swallow. but sometimes i sense that the silence is too loud that he already forgot that we have a daughter. yet i find the silence comforting, for the first time...

a girlfriend sent me this sms & these are just one of the things that motivate me on moving on every single day:

until one morning, i'll wake up & find myself thinking about something else & then i'll know the worst is over. my heart may be bruised but it will recover & become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. it happened before & it will happen again i'm sure. when someone leaves, it's because someone is about to arrive - then i'll find love again.

an emo & a marley

rye & myself watched the movie "300" a few weeks back at the sm north. we ate at shakeys' earlier. rye got himself a meatball pasta & ordered the "captain's choice" platter which consisted of fries, calamares & fish fillets which we shared. he was eyeing for the new nokia n73 so we scouted for that cellphone unit on all mobile stores in SM. we went afterwards to the ever gotesco. he shopped a few household stuff from the japanese convenient store then scouted for an n73 on more cellphone shops at the top floor.

a few days later, a workmate sent an sms that he had a couple of tickets for the reggae fest at the old westin hotel where the special guest was ziggy marley, bob marley's son. i so wanted not to miss it but when i woke up in the afternoon & replied to my workmate, he was no longer holding the ticket which was supposed to get me to the concert hassle-free. so i wondered for hours, exchanged messages with my girlfriends & finally arrived to a plan to just simply enjoy each others' company at timog. we went to behrouz to eat our favorite plate of kabab beef & ox brain. afterwards, we headed to purplehaze at tomas morato. favorably, i liked the band who played that night & was worth the P150 each we spent for the entrance fee, which came w/ 1 consumable red horse beer. the theme was "emo" rock & the main band was typecast! i have never watched them play so that was my opportunity to see them rock live!

typecast at purplehaze

right after that much anticipation of seeing a rising 'rock star' came a little close to unsatisfactory because all we heard the whole night was, well, noise. we were hoping that the band typecast would calm the developing headaches & ear aches we were receiving from the earlier bands but they didn't. they all were practically playing nothing but noise. i don't blame the bands though, we were discussing that the emanating noise from the band instruments were, i don't know, numbing everyone's ears & heads most probably due to the way the bar was built. i am often comparing places i've been to saguijo which practically is the coolest, far most breathable, rock space i've ever been too. every band i've heard play there seemed to know their pieces ever so professionally, though it's the first time i've heard of their names. you get my grip? so ofcourse we left after typecast played. i did enjoy a few of their songs like, 'will you ever learn' & a few more pieces, & yeah, sang along. purplehaze, we consumed most of the wee hours of the morning at starbucks timog. this time i didn't order myself a frappe due to my cold. i got me an oreo cake which i've been begging ryan to get me for days, which he obviously failed to do so. saleng shared her coffee jelly frappe w/ me w/c i enjoyed as well.

my girlfriends alex & saleng

ryan asked myself & our daughter out the next day. we had plans to buy rayne her first every baby bicycle. we went to sm fairview & had late lunch at the pizza hut. ryan was craving for their new rib steak. i got me a mango salad & we shared a regular thin-crusted pizza.

after which we strolled to toy world where we scouted for the perfect bike for our little daughter. ryan was interested to get the very expensive remote-controlled toy car for rayne. we've agreed eventually not to get it since we're getting a new television for rayne & we might as well plot our budget for the tv rather than getting a car almost as expensive w/c rayne might not fully enjoy throughout her childhood. anyhow, after sitting rayne to every other bike displayed, nothing fitted her. it was either rayne is huge for her age or the bikes we are eyeing for her are not for her age. hence, we weren't able to get one that day. too bad she had to wait until she can ride those real bicycles which she had to paddle herself using her tiny feet.

at the pizza hut w/ dada

the rc

mocha blends

i gave my coffee blend from well, mocha blends, to nicole a few days earlier. from then on, she requested that i bring her one everyday. it was only once when i was able to pass by starbucks near our place that i was able to bring her one. on the 12th, i promised to bring her a drink from mocha blends. the promise turned out better as she expected. i planned to bring her along. cousins mike & badeth, ate anna, trish, rayne & her yaya came along. we went to the mocha blends near the ever gotesco. i treated each a coffee blend. i texted my brother, who happened to be travelling home already w/ his son & gf sam, to drop by. my dad sent a message afterwards that he'll drop by as well & insisted on having my brother ian fetch our mom who was left at home. dad got us pizza from st.mark's just beside the coffee shop. we stayed for 3 hours. it was a hell lot of fun bonding w/ the whole family & ofcourse w/ nik out of the hospital.

fun ranch

last 2/27th, my family had checked out my niece nicole from the hospital, finally. her wheelchair waited at home. dad was so depressed the day before, that he came home really late, got all mad at me & my brother {no need to expound on the subject}, then cried afterwards on his birthday. nicole's return home was postponed the day before due to pending blood tests so dad's birthday celebration had to adjust. so when nik got out of the hospital, it was a dual celebration at home. unfortunately for me, i already had to go to work earlier that tuesday. dad's got the pictures so i'll post 'em next time.

later on after that week, i went to rye's place, supposedly heading to my dentist who wasn't available. bearing this craziness over the new series 'heroes' w/c i started watching a few days earlier, every night, i stayed & stared at rye's pc checking out his copies for the episodes i missed out {12-15}. before that, i treated myself to a hair/foot spa at a parlor just a few walks from his place.

heroes TV series

rye finished transferring the videos from nicole & trish's birthdays to DVD as well so when i got home, i immediately played it so nik can watch how strong & fine she was just weeks before. i wanted to boost her strength to help herself, so that she can surpass the difficulties she has been facing & enjoy life like a normal kid again. when we were viewing the moments at the fun ranch in libis on video, i asked her if she wanted to go there again. she nodded & smiled almost immediately...she can't wait...

the next day, rye & myself brought rayne to the fun ranch. a promise finally held on by his father. the area expanded & added more rides at the uncovered areas. more shops were opened. we ate at the new pasta restaurant near the kids' spa. at the covered area, we stayed an hour watching her walk everywhere inside or outside the play pen. she' no longer scared of the ball pools that she went pulling me every now & then to guide her towards that spot. rye & myself switched roles as yaya's coz our baby is so tough to look after nowadays after she learned how to walk. we headed to SM fairview after rayne got pretty tired from playing. her dad bought her a small swimming pool from toy kingdom. late in the afternoon, we looked for dinner near ever & ended up at the world topps. ryan ordered 'tapa steak' while i got a simple platter of 'longisolig'. rayne was obviously tired she slept all throughout the journey towards dinner & home.

at the toy kingdom, rayne saw these small tables displayed at the middle of the store, immediately sat herself in & tried so hard to flip through the book she found on top of it. i was so proud of her for knowing how to sit on her own & her growing enthusiasm on children's books.

after work the next day, i was able to watch heroes' eps 16-17 back at rye's place again.

i had my level 2 crystal reports XII training at the robinsons' summit last march 8th-9th. i completed level 1 a few months ago & the budget approval for the 2nd level came in very delayed that i took it months later. i attended it w/ jenny, a colleague, & our magic sub-admin. after the training, we went to glorietta for a little shopping. i got myself 2 skirts & silk pants. i had the worst nightmare when i was heading home. being always on the midshift almost the entire week at work, i had no idea it would be hell trying to get a ride in makati after 6pm. i began lining up for a ticket for the mrt {too bad i didn't have a stored card, the one that's prepaid} & noticed the lines weren't moving. apparently, due to the nearing over capacity of the trains below us, the facility could no longer hold any more people that they had to halt the selling of tickets & barred people from getting through. i waited until the line started to move again but when i got to the window, the selling stopped again! i didn't want to lose my line since i was the 1st but when operations took so long to resume, i got out of my line & tried to look for a cab. looking for a cab is as horrific as taking a long line at the mrt station. no cab wanted to take me home or there were no empty cabs at all! ok, i text'd my uncle who works as well in makati, wondering if i can hitch a ride w/ him since we go home at the place. he replied that his service will be in makati by 8pm. i still had an hour so i took a leap of faith, exag!, & went back to the mrt station. i got my ticket & rows of people, who also just got tickets, surprised me. what?? i have to fall in line again? for 30 mins or more? no way! everyone was pushing everyone's back, it was horrifying i had to leave the line again. i called my uncle & begged that i go home w/ him. took a cab, not surprising for that cab to take me coz my destination was just 10 mins away, & went to my uncle. his service was already there. i got home past 9pm. what a f&#^(@g day.

i got worried i might go through the same ordeal the next day. but my training ended early. jenny & i headed to the ofc first & attended to some issues we can only fix. i left the ofc around 5pm, rang my friend alex, & asked her to meet me at the tiendesitas in libis. shopped a few for myself, my niece & my daughter. we called it a day before midnight.

on the way home

my sister sent me a message earlier that nicole was looking for my daughter. she's already staying at a private cubicle after more than a week in the intensive care unit. so i waited 'til my day off last thursday, brought my daughter & 2 of my girl friends to nik.

everyone's attention was on my daughter. my niece couldn't get enough of her she kept on asking us so sit rayne beside her on her hospital bed. day by day my daughter's becoming this cute little menace that would bring random surprises to everyone. she already started to walk a week ago, although a bit late for being born premature.

nicole, with only half of her body functioning, asked for food every now & then. being deprived of anything to eat for more than 4 weeks, she munched on anything anybody brought in her room. during my stay, nicole kept asking about her puppy. to backtrack, my sis asked me to hunt for the perfect pup for nik. we've allotted the tightest budget for the dog, obviously due to the bloating hospital bills. the cheapest toy dog i could find was a dachshund. i eventually met with the breeder after our visit to nicole, settled payments & sent the new pup home. i got nik a mini-dachshund from a breeder who lives in our area. 'she's' got valid registrations w/c was supported by the papers provided by the seller including a document of the recent shots from the vet. she just turned 4 months. i've got a photo below. it's a little blurry so i'll post a better shot when i get the chance. we named her, w/c nik approved, dashee.

was at the hospital as well the next day w/ girl friend alex. nicole's therapists helped her learn how to sit up & stand again. nik failed to stand up, complaining of pain from different parts of her limbs.

she's scheduled to be sent home monday & we will be celebrating her return together w/ dad's birthday.

earlier that week, my girl friends & myself went to the annual UP fair done at the usual sunken garden spot in qc. i was supposed to follow them to a sorority reorientation held at the tiendesitas near libis. as soon as i was at the venue after work which was already past midnight, the conference was finished so we just took off & decided to go to UP. when we got there, the tickets were already sold out & i remembered my brother texting me earlier that he has plans to attend as well. so we exchanged messages & soon found out that he's at the backstage so me & my friends got easy VIP access. it was unusual this time coz in the past, i was the one who always had hassle-free access to backstages on several rock events. this time it was my brother who led me in for free. my brother's balikbayan friend BJ had recently joined as the main guitarist for the rock band 'slapshock'. we stayed until after mainstream rock bands 'kamikaze' & 'parokya ni edgar' did their show. we left UP together w/ the rest of the 'slapshock' members, my brother & his gf sam, my cousin mike & my 2 girl friends.

the worst is over

a few weeks back, the premature finding of a "moya moya" from my niece nicole was ruled out. her mri/mra findings came back positive though for multiple blood clots in several of her major heart & brain vessels. she had to undergo 'heparin treatment' through IV to dissolve these clots & prevent a more critical stroke that may cripple her completely or even end her young life. the family had to sign a waiver prior to the risky treatment for that 'chance' can cause internal hemorrhage to nik & may worsen her condition.

gladly enough, nik went through the treatment the whole week successfully with good test results. unfortunately, some of the clots near her brain could no longer be dissipated & will stay there for the rest of her life. she still has to take oral treatment to dissolve a few of those left to her heart. that, hopefully, will be just another 2 week stay at the hospital. she was taken out of the ICU just a few hours earlier, admitted to a private room.

the paralysis at the left side of her body is still apparent, so she's also undergoing therapy. we are all optimistic that she'll return home, maybe not 100% normal but alive & that is perfectly enough for all of us...thank you God...