lately i've been barely trying to enjoy life. i couldn't let myself drown in what fate my long standing relationship fell into {again & again}. i've learned to live my life & not miss what's in store ahead of me.
must be because i got immune w/ separation. the relationship became susceptible to it over & over. i hoped too hard.
i did not imagine finding love would be intoxicating, that it literally is sipping the life out of me. i've wallowed on having a perfect relationship & a complete family. now i am understanding that i can't have it all, nor my daughter.
i've got my daughter & that is all that matters now. i've got a few friends who are single moms & are able to go through w/ life w/o the fathers of their children. my aunt in the US even told me last year to not force marriage only because you've born a child from your relationship & i didn't even tell her anything about what i have succumbed into. the obvious thing was, i've been made aware all along by my ex-partner that he couldn't marry me yet i stuck w/ him believing i can change his judgment.
this will suck for years, but it definitely will not for a lifetime. i have my friends who constantly support me on my decisions. my family who's gradually comprehending the fact that one of their daughters' not living the life they've hoped for their children when they grow old {'ya know, marry & have kids}. my 2 siblings have kids but they haven't eloped either.
i couldn't live another day in that relationship gripping w/ pain every minute. at work, almost all the men married their partners at church. i shy away w/ jealousy whenever i hear their stories about how they treat their wives & kids. & those stories are just typical husband & wife bits. like aris' idea on teaching her wife to drive; allan who went back to the country ending his contract earlier from work abroad to be w/ his wife & daughter; mark who's voice was consistently 'malambing' over the phone w/ her wife; shaun who pursued a job in singapore but bargained to bring her wife & baby daughter w/ him {w/c he did}; a friend who recently got married; another who just tested positive w/ her pregnancy test & immediately was given a promise of marriage by her partner; another who couldn't stop blubbering about her perfect boyfriend...etc..etc..
i don't need perfection. i just need to be part of something i can look forward to by the end of the day. yes i do have my daughter, but that's why i've lingered too long on hoping. i wanted to give her a normal life, & i failed a thousand of times.
a friend tried to comfort me one day & only 2 words helped me begin to fathom my fate, he said, 'people change'. i am a person, & i can change too.
it has been quiet between us for almost 3 weeks now since the separation & i do find it easier to swallow. but sometimes i sense that the silence is too loud that he already forgot that we have a daughter. yet i find the silence comforting, for the first time...
a girlfriend sent me this sms & these are just one of the things that motivate me on moving on every single day:
until one morning, i'll wake up & find myself thinking about something else & then i'll know the worst is over. my heart may be bruised but it will recover & become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. it happened before & it will happen again i'm sure. when someone leaves, it's because someone is about to arrive - then i'll find love again.
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